Lunch with Romane/Dinner with Brummel

I stop off for two nights in Avignon en route for the Côte d’Azur. It’s a long journey from Annecy, made all the longer by the cancellation of my planned train and thus a hiccup in subsequent connection. I begin to suspect reverse culture shock following Japan. There’s a connection I’m told twice doesn’t exist, but as the train pulls out of the relevant station, I can see it announced on the board. A three and a half hour journey takes seven. Oh well, the scenery is pleasant enough from Annecy down into Grenoble. Mountains, oh how pretty, then shanty towns around the edge of underpasses, people living in sheds, crap estates, actual France, not the picture postcard.

Avignon itself seems built in two parts. There’s the old walled part of the city and then there’s what is beyond it. I don’t enter the beyond during those two days. I go to the Palais des Papes, wander up and around Rocher des Domes, go for lunch at Le Grand Café. I’m not sure this is the place that my friends in Haute-Savoie referred to, they suggested going for lunch in a place inside a modern art gallery. Is this it? Probably not.

My great pleasure upon sitting down is that I’m facing a large portrait photograph of Romane Bohringer. Now, Romane and myself have something of a history. Not an actual history, a quite imagined history. Romane first came to my attention in 1992  with Les Nuits Fauves, one of the first French films that had HIV/AIDS as a central theme. The subject matter was quite French, the chief protagonist (played by writer/director Cyril Collard who died of an AIDS-related condition in ’93) was apparently torn between his gay and straight natures as well as his irrepressible desires. Not to mention his impending death. Basically, it meant for most of the film he shagged whomever he wanted and didn’t take any responsibility for how his actions might affect others, in particular the entirely passionate and smitten Romane.

It’s alright for some, I possibly thought, here I am in bleak loveless London, whereas in an imagined France a man can act like an utter bastard and have no problem finding women of such calibre. Years passed and Romane would pop up in other French films from time to time. Since these were blissful times before the internet saturated us with information, when facts about French actresses were dependent on magazine and newspaper articles (and you might well miss an issue and the relevant mention), I knew very little about her.

Romane’s star was possibly most ascendant in the UK around the time of L’appartement in ’96, a film in which Vincent Cassel makes the idiotic mistake of choosing Monica Bellucci over Romane Bohringer. Oh, but Monica Bellucci, you say… I imagine a life with Monica would be very demanding. Aside from maintaining her in the custom to which she is accustomed, every single day of life would mark some slight decline in her appearance. Let’s face it, she looks great (a supermarket melon perfection) but her acting isn’t up to much. Whereas Romane seem to me to be much more of an artist, she worked with Peter Brook at a young age and, what I’m quite fond of, is that she has some mole on the side of her nose that has remained throughout her career, unlike the airbrushed lad’s mag perfection of Bellucci.

My idealised attachment with Romane was at its strongest around this time. I was living in the countryside in Japan and the local video shop had a surprisingly well-stocked back catalogue of French cinema. Rural isolation encouraged a quite wholesome and teenage fascination with Romane and eventually I wrote a short story on my return to London in which she played the role of a guardian angel, whilst the main story was about a resurrected Mithraic cult that was attempting to gain absolute power. I haven’t read it in ages, if you’re lucky, which might not be that much, it would probably read like Dan Brown reworking Iain Sinclair.

So, trying to get back to food here, as I sat down opposite the photo of Romane, I was reminded of all this. Romane and myself started with a simple olive tart and then treated outselves to an ox-cheek daube. It’s possibly a bit ambitious, I think, we’re (no, hang on, I am…) booked in for dinner in the hotel restaurant. But ox-cheek daube is one of the few French dishes I cook with any regularity and I’m keen to gauge my efforts against this local version. Well, the restaurant’s is good, but my mine is better. Phew. I don’t grudge the dish we’re eating though. It’s quite delicious and everything is swimming along with a 50cl carafe of local Côtes du Rhône.

Romane doesn’t say much. She looks great though. She’s been positioned next to another portrait of Catherine Deneuve. There’s a contrast. The restaurant is fairly quiet, some 70’s French hits play in the background, the waiting staff are fairly underemployed, there’s a relaxed laziness to the place, although I presume it would be quite busy in the summer months outside. Romane particularly appreciates dessert. I’m fond of women who eat food and she wolfs down the rest while my attention is distracted by an outburst of birdsong. I take my coffee out on the terrace.

I wander back towards the hotel, buy a winter cap, three books (the catalogue for the 1992 Fassbinder werkschau, an anthology of Bizarre – a review produced the Collège de ‘Pataphysique in the 50’s and 60’s – and the French translation of Yumeno Kyusaku’s classic Dogra Magra. Back at the hotel, I snooze off and wake up to a retrospective on tv of Marina Abramovic. I must be in France, I think, to be watching this at 4pm. I loll around, take another walk and pop into second-hand bookshop where I pick up two English books: one about Victorian women travellers and the other what appears to be a small selection of writings about Beau Brummel. I can read that over dinner I think…

Dinner is at La Vieille Fontaine where the chef is Bruno d’Angelis. I look for hotels when I’m in England, there’s an inclusive offer of dinner in the online package. Oh, why not, I think. I don’t often stay in fancy hotels, I don’t want more than a clean room, a bath and an internet connection. Bruno has his star. I am only realising now on searching that in fact this is the restaurant where Keith Floyd lunches (and then snoozes) in the recent Keith Allen documentary!

I’m feeling a bit jaded myself after lunch. Dinner should probably be a cheese sandwich and an early night. Instead, I’ve a four course seasonal mushroom tasting menu. Here’s what I ate:

Well, that’s no good, you say. I have to squint quite severely to read a word of that. It’s not a consciously bad photo. It is a photo I take as I’m standing waiting for a taxi to take me to the station the following morning. Like the other photos in this entry, it’s taken with a slightly aged mobile phone at all of 2.0 megapixels. But then, given my comments before, I wonder whether there isn’t a space left for “bad” photography when it comes to food, or perhaps no photography at all. But then, surely the writing needs to be up to par, make the food come alive. My notes of the evening don’t really help here. They are mostly concerned with:

1. Disappointment over Brummel book. It occurs to me upon reading that Brummel didn’t spend his time in Paris buying automobiles. The book in question, whilst enjoyable in its own ephemeral way, is a 1930’s guide to Paris for rich Americans with pertinent suggestions as to where they should spend there dollars on perfumes, shirts, hats and such. It’s not enough of a book to sustain me through dinner. The only available conversation in the otherwise empty restaurant is in Danish from the couple sat next to me. She dissects her lobster with the enthusiasms of a forensic gynaecologist.

2. The chairs. Chairs that are neither high-backed or armchairs. Narrow enough to grasp you around the waist, arms not quite high enough to rest your limbs upon, but quite capable of crushing your jacket. Brummel wouldn’t approve. You try leaning back, no, not much support there. They probably cost a bit. They prevent any form of relaxation. Or escape.

3. Darkness. The restaurant is excessively dark. There’s a chandelier that could be turned on but isn’t. How much of this darkness is because of Europe’s recent proscription on incandescent lightbulbs? A dimming of the day. A vision of our own decline. Time, gentlemen please…

4. The food is good, but for a mushroom themed menu, I’d like to see more mushrooms! At €90, there seems to be a need to tick certain ingredients to justify the price. In order: mushroom themselves, scallops, lobster, beef. I’d have preferred to eat rare and expensive mushrooms and forget about the rest. The scallops remind me just how badly they were cooked at Chez Didi, the tisane des carapaces with the lobster is rather astonishing, but I’m not sure it’s exactly food. The one thing that I don’t like is the jus au Merlot with the beef. It’s reduced beyond necessity, or more pertinently, beyond the point where it’s enjoyable to eat, rather than just admire as a potential oil painting medium.

When I get to my friends the next day, he asks about the meal. In conversational shorthand, I say that it was like an expensive call-girl. You could admire the technical prowess, the sheen of the stockings, the scent, the bag of tricks and moves designed to get the punter off just enough to get them keen to pay for extras. But, as I said, sometimes you probably really want Cheeky Mary down by the harbour. She has a humanity to her I couldn’t grasp in this meal. No kissing. Catherine Deneuve, possibly. Had I not eaten a large lunch earlier in the day, it probably would have sat better with me. The meal concluded, I walked upstairs to my room and lay down on the bed where I passed a fairly sleepless night, digesting, digesting…

It’s the sort of restaurant I can remember visiting with my father during childhood. We’d go on these family holidays to France that would often include a few meals at places that he’d chosen from a French Michelin guide. I don’t remember enjoying them then. The ghost of my father haunts me vaguely at such times and he certainly inhabits me when I look at myself in the mirror. Not so much the face, the stomach, whether larger or smaller. Just as I watched his girth expand and contract many times over the years.

At around 4am, I awake to an overly long psychedelic sequence in a Western called Blueberry (with Vincent Cassel, natch) and make a spectacular and profound evacuation. I feel much better after that.

When I get home to the UK, there’s an email from Lastminute.com. Here’s the picture:

What on earth is that? They look like wind-up false teeth. They march across the plate, snap at your fingers, extrude a beetroot maw. Turn up the saturation. Only £19. Where are we eating? It’s a michelin star place, lower case, you get food that looks, well, it looks very clever. It’s £19. Do you want to go or not? Well, what’s it all about? It’s fucking michelin star, what more do you need to know? That means it’s proper. I don’t know, I quite fancied the Turkish down the road. What is your problem? Thierry Henry doesn’t eat at the Turkish, Peaches Geldof doesn’t eat at the Turkish. They eat michelin star. Do they? Yes and it’s only £19. It’s also very pink. Come on, £19! What can you get at the Turkish for that? Well, a meal for two for a start. Or, you could have the mixed grill and a couple of beers. But I don’t see how anyone ever manages the mixed grill, it’s enough meat for a family of four. There’s a photo of Patsy out of EastEnders. She must have eaten there. And Martin Jol. They’re friendly in there, they even know our names now. That time we forgot the wallet, they let us come back and pay the next day. Still gave us baklava to take home. Do they do baklava at michelin star? They do petty fours, which are a bit like chocolates, except they’re not always. Not always like chocolates? Yes, they’re like dreams and aspirations spun from sugar and culinary talent that tell us that we have arrived. Where have we arrived? We have arrived in the world and are here and looking at people and people are looking at us and all is well with ourselves reflecting through and around other people. Blimey. And so on.